i have moments
moments of intense fear, of anxiety that is almost immobilizing, of self doubt so fierce i question everything i am, insecurities so deep rooted it takes all that i am to fight them off.
i have these moments pretty regularly, though they have decreased significantly.
it used to be daily, more than several times a day. to the point where i would change myself in just about every situation to be accepted and loved and wanted, to be included.
that got me into trouble later in life, it took a solid three emotional breakdowns and one bat-shit-crazy episode (now two years ago) to finally accept me, start living authentically, and stop changing who i am in differing situations.
of course compromise is a daily necessity...but i no longer give up pieces of myself to fit anyones idea of me, that box is not mine to fit in. i am me, and they can accept that or not be a part of my life. (ouch, that sounds harsh...but it's true. i will no longer change for people).
i am strong. i am beautiful. i am quirky. i am nerdy. i am an aspiring hipster. i am a photographer. i am an herbalist. i am a naturalist (read: hippie). i am a recovering disordered eater. i am a dog owner. i am in love with life. i am a learner. i am happy. i am healthy. i am whole. i am me.
and for the first time in my life, i am happy. that is truer than true. i mean true blue happy, all the way to the bone. none one bit of it is superficial.
i am following my dreams. i am doing what i want in life. and yeah, it's scary. super scary. accountability is at an all time high. failure will be all on me, and that risk is almost enough to make one stop short....but success will also be all on me, and that outweighs the risk all day every day.
you see, moments of fear and doubt used to rule my life.
and now, that's changed.
moments of happiness, of sheer deep embodied gratitude, moments of realization, of surety. good moments. moments that remind me i am on the right path for my being.
moments that remind me that this crazy busy and confusing life is mine. and it is grand. so so grand. and i don't want to miss it.
sometimes, i still try to run from being vulnerable and raw and open. (which is why my blogs are so sporadic, bt-dubs) it's a work in progress, and so far, i am pretty dang happy with the process.
life is brutal. and beautiful. and terrifying. and real. and lovely. and everything you have ever wanted and more. it's full of choices, you get to choose how you live, so make the choice.
life is stellar, y'all.
xo
air
