eft happened

guys, i did an eft session.

it was weird. odd. uncomfortable. scary. tiring. eye opening. and jaw dropping. and maybe, possibly, life changing. we'll see on that last one in time.

it's emotional freedom technique, and involves tapping on the bodies end points of the body's energy meridians.

it's cognitive therapy and exposure therapy combined with acupressure fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points.

she would ask questions, and i would answer, all while tapping. then, she would rephrase what i had said while adding positive affirmations and i would repeat after her.

and dang gina, we talked about some pretty deep stuff. i didn't think it would be that deep, i went into this session with one issue to start on:

my control freakishness.

because i am one. big time.

it goes all the way back to childhood.

and in the end, i am truly grateful for everything that happened and the ways it all happened. i hold no malice, i know that we are all just doing our best with what we know.

people, mine was by no means awful, really. but for me, it was hard, now. then, it was all i knew.

it was simple, for me, it started out as protection for my little brothers.

i took it upon myself to take on responsibilities that shouldn't have been mine.

(this is one of those moments where i feel that maybe it isn't my place to share all the details. sorry for the vague-ness!)

in the end, i learnt that if i didn't control things, people i loved would get hurt.

and that was proved to be true when my best friend xander died in a car accident in 2009.

there was a moment, before his death occurred, that i knew something was wrong. i just knew. i can't explain how, but i felt it. i sat up in my bed and had the most urgent prompting to call him. i needed to call him.

i didn't. and he died.

i ran (still run) in circles in my head so often thinking if i had just followed that prompting he would have been talking to me, watching the road, instead of looking down and texting. or maybe even pulled over. and he would have been saved. he would be here today, and everything would be so different.

but i didn't pick up that phone. i didn't follow that prompting. i didn't control that situation. and my best friend got hurt, he died. i lost him, completely. from that moment on, my control issues spun out of control.

i cannot explain the amount of anxiety i get when i am unable to control or fully understand something. it has gotten to the point where i cannot function without planning.

i honest to blog believe that if i were to not plan, or if my plans were to fall through, that i would be lost. wholly. completely. that all those around me would be hurt, because of me. and i honestly would run, as fast and far as possible to protect them from myself. i don't even know who i would be without planning and controlling everything in my life.

it's gotten out of hand.

and this eft session was on learning how to let go. how to just go with the flow. it was about finding the root, where all this started. finding the trigger. and finding a way to let it all go. a way to fully understand and let it dissolve.

i found the root. i know and understand it was no ones fault. not even my own. and now, i am working on letting it dissolve into nothingness. letting it have no hold on me any longer.

i have one more session on this in a couple weeks, and i will let you know about the progress made once that happens.


namaste



xo



air

i have morals.

i have integrity.

i have values.

i have standards.

but i have trouble sticking to them.

i don't like to inconvenience people.

i don't like to hurt people.

i do everything in my power to avoid that from happening. to the point where i will give up my values/standards/morals/integrity to keep the person happy and healthy...in the moment.

i realize that in the end, it helps no one. it does neither party any good.

i have come to notice that it usually hurts the other, if not me as well, even more in the end.

and yet, i still find it so difficult to have the courage and strength to stick up for what i believe in. for what i believe to be right and sound. to do what i feel i must, or say what's on my mind.

which is problematic, because then i am not being true to myself.

and that confuses not only me, but those who know me.

and makes trust even more difficult than it is already on it's own.

eventually i will work through it all, it's just going to take time and practice.

it requires me to have courage and confidence in myself, to have trust in myself. to know that i will not waiver even in the hardest of situations.

which, i have been working on. and i still fail sometimes, but sometimes, i don't. and that is an accomplishment for me.

i have been watching myself, i have been acutely aware of my emotions and feelings.

often in emotional situations i feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious and unsure.

confrontation scares me shitless. my anxiety goes through my roof and my ability to communicate and articulate thoughts and feelings all but disappears. and i shake, i tremble uncontrollably.

i recently read emotions by osho. which is a book on fear, anger, and jealousy and how to free one's self from them. it was so enlightening and liberating. it gave me a little more insight on my own emotions and how i (don't) deal with them.

i am also reading mind body balancing by osho as well. and it has been absolutely phenomenal. it's a book about using your mind to heal your body.

about going the holistic route, about searching your soul and finding the root to the problems rather than using drugs, masking the symptoms and problem and becoming numb.

i have been numb far too often in my life already without drugs, and i refuse to use anything that could possibly get me back to that point again. to me, taking pills is just avoiding the problem. and that isn't always the case, i am over generalizing here. but for me personally, this is my outlook.

in reading this balancing book, i have realized how disconnected i am with my own body and emotions.

and i am finally taking the first steps to confronting both my emotions and myself. with support and a small understanding that will eventually grow.

it's a freaktastic process. it would be so much easier for me to run, to hide within myself and to keep those walls around my heart. and though it will never beat, it will never break.

being open, being vulnerable, being completely exposed to everyone-even myself- is more than terrifying for me. it is exhausting and it honestly hurts. it's a really weird feeling that i am completely uncomfortable with. i get awkward with myself, and that shouldn't even be possible. (ha!)

often, i find myself at a loss. i simply don't know where to go from here.

i know that i need help. but i am a very prideful person in that regard. i never want to admit that i need help, i never want to have to lean on someone. but here, right now, i need that. i need to find someone to talk to-that specialized in eating disorders, that is a guy, and that is enthusiastic. i have finally decided that it needs to be a social worker, now it's just a matter of finding the right one.

i have been stagnant physically. and to be able to grow and gain some control of this issue, i need to be working on the mental/emotional alongside the physical. and up to this point, i have only been focusing on the mental/emotional. which is great, but it's not enough.

i am finally to the point where i am willing to admit and accept help.

and generally, i know, beggars can't be choosers.

but i am picky. and i don't trust many people, and definitely not women.

so it needs to be a guy, preferably a younger one, fresh out of school and ready to go. that would be good. so, if you know one, send him my way!

but seriously, that would be great.


xo


air


also, isn't this song just wonderful?? <

135

i remember the first time my thighs touched when i walked.

i was 19. it was when i lived in hawaii after i had graduated high school.

and i remember being equally disgusted and horrified.

i remember thinking back to every single thing i had eaten in the last months to figure out how i had gotten to this point. up to then, i was barely over 100 pounds and i was 5'6". and somehow, i reached 135.

1.    3.    5.  

and i just about died. inside, i did.

it wasn't a mystery. i had had a break down of sorts. i went on a 'i am going to eat two batches of cookie dough a week and nothing but pizza for dinner' binge for a good two months there. in that time period i went from my size 0/1 to a size 5.

a size 5.

i was flabbergasted.

that was close to or the same as my mothers size.

that statement seems oddly placed, or possibly insignificant. but it isn't.

i grew up in a house where my mother was never thin enough, never beautiful enough. where she had to put on her face before she left the house, always, even to take us to school in the morning. in a house where she would workout for a short time and then get discouraged and stop. in a house where in my eyes, my father didn't think her thin or attractive either, because if she were, why would she be this way. (i realize now that this wasn't exactly the case. but that's how my naive young mind perceived it then, and it affected me greatly)

i learned from every environment i was in that i wasn't thin enough, or pretty enough. that my boobs were too small, my eyes too squinty, my hair too flat. in high school, i wasn't considered that pretty (granted at that point i had really either stopped trying and gone hippie or i went punk-emo wannabe. those are my extremes.)

i am rambling now.

even now, i am terrified.

i look at myself in the mirror after i shower or bathe.

i see every flaw, every pudge. i see my upper thighs curving out on both sides. i see my calves touching when i stand with my feet together and it makes me cringe. i see a little muscle/fat on my waistline and on my lower stomach and i suck in and pull my skin tight. i see my boobs and how almost non existent they are and wish they were at least enough to fill an A cup, hell even a double A would be nice. i see my upper arms, which are almost as wide as my torso, and can't help but feel deflated.

that is me now. i fluctuate between 110-115.

just a month and a half ago, my things and calves didn't touch when i stood with my feet together. and still, i was disappointed. i had nothing but skin and bone on my hips and waistline and the pudge on my lower stomach was not there. my boobs were even smaller, as if that were possible.

and still, i was disgusted by my body. only this time, i was torn. i was too fat and far too thin. all at the same time.

and it made no sense to me. i knew i was too thin. rationally, i was well aware of it.

but anorexia isn't rational. and no amount of rational thought will make it go away, believe me you, i have tried.

i wish to be thinner. i wish for my body to not jiggle in any place when i walk. i wish to have a body fat percentage below 10. i wish to be nothing but muscle and not bigger than a size one, but with happy full B cup boobs. i wish for my eyes to be bigger, my hair blonder and more voluminous. i wish for tinier hands, fingers, and feet.

i wish for perfection. i wish for societies view of perfection, not for raw authentic genuine perfection in my imperfections.

and i wish i didn't feel that way. and i don't know how to change it or fix it.

the only option, that i can think of, is to find the root. and to start from there. to find out exactly when and why i started thinking this way. to understand it fully, and to slowly, piece by piece, let it go.

it's just a matter of finding that beginning. and it has turned out to be harder than it seems. turns out that blocking memories from yourself is difficult to get back since they were obviously blocked for a reason.