guys, i remember being a kid.
you know, back when food was provided + rent plus utilities didn't exist. back when you didn't have a car payment or insurance payment or a phone bill.
back when i was even more financially irresponsible + i could be because i didn't have any bills to pay and felt no need to save.
money + i, we have a love-hate relationship, mostly hate.
i don't really love money, i don't really even like it. mostly, i see it bring out awful sides of humans i never wanted to know existed. not to mention the amount of stress one feels when they are low on money.
that relationship with money is going to need to change pretty drastically. as well as my view on making it, which is to spend it. i've always been an awful saver, in that i have never had more than maybe $1200 to my name at one time ever in my life (except for three very brief moments, in that it didn't last more than a couple days).
i used to be a super entitled little brat. like, bad. i felt that the world owed me for my childhood + lack thereof in many areas. i was angry + dumb + immature. i was also a clepto, like, hardcore. i stole dumb things all the time, my makeup, snacks i wanted, clothes, jewelry, and back when i was into drugs, pills to essentially OD on to get a buzz. i got the the point where i was pretty fetchin' good at it. that is, until i got caught stealing + it scared the bejesus out of me.
unfortunately, i was 19 when i got caught. which means i have a record. the charge somehow was changed along the way, which i don't understand. and the only way i know it was changed + i didn't just remember it wrong is because my father told me the original court order was not as severe as the change.
so, for the past five and a half years, i have had a class b misdemeanor in retail theft on my record. being young + naive i didn't think it would do much of anything to me, + boy was i wrong. i have easily had over 80 job offers rescinded after my background check came back. and after two years of applying (for everything under the sun- call centers, reception, secretary, customer service, sales...)+ getting rejected, the whole process got old, so i stopped trying to get out of serving.
i have been a server for the last 3.5-4 years because they don't do background checks + and it's essentially the only job i can have with my record. now, don't get me wrong, serving comes with it's perks. i decide what my schedule is every week, i can take 6 week vacations without question, on a really good day i average $15 an hour.
but, it's a go no where job. and sometimes i will work a 10 hour shift and walk home with $80. sometimes i will work a lunch shift and leave with $5 to flaunt around. it isn't consistent, which makes planning + budgeting pretty difficult. and with my bills ranging around $1200-1300 a month, well, i frequently fall short. which usually means my fridge has almond milk and maybe some wine, + my freezer might have some pizza rolls hanging out. it's been the slow season, and on top of that, the cheap customer season, which means i am working 60 hours a couple weeks a month to hopefully make $400-600 dollars. if i did that every week, all would be well. but i get burnt out pretty quickly, serving humans that think their queen elizabeth III and king henry the IV gets old fast. i'm a server, not a servant, i am a human + would like to be treated with dignity + respect. but a lot of customers just don't get that, somehow.
i have just started realizing how difficult adulting can be. i remember being a kid + not being able to wait until i was a grown up, when i could live by my own rules + eat whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted...i just didn't realize that i would have to adult in every aspect of my life.
hello wakeup call!
it's been informative + real. i can definitely say i have learnt a boat load + that there is undoubtedly a boat load or five more to learn.
overall, it's good. the pros outweigh the cons for me as far as adulting is concerned. but sometimes, every now + then, it gets super overwhelming + stressful for sure.
this is one of those moments.
also, i applied a month or so ago to expunge + seal my record so this charge will stop haunting me + holding back my life, fingers crossed it gets approved so i can move on to a real person job!!!
xo
