adulting

guys, i remember being a kid.

you know, back when food was provided + rent plus utilities didn't exist. back when you didn't have a car payment or insurance payment or a phone bill.

back when i was even more financially irresponsible + i could be because i didn't have any bills to pay and felt no need to save.

money + i, we have a love-hate relationship, mostly hate.

i don't really love money, i don't really even like it. mostly, i see it bring out awful sides of humans i never wanted to know existed. not to mention the amount of stress one feels when they are low on money.

that relationship with money is going to need to change pretty drastically. as well as my view on making it, which is to spend it. i've always been an awful saver, in that i have never had more than maybe $1200 to my name at one time ever in my life (except for three very brief moments, in that it didn't last more than a couple days).

i used to be a super entitled little brat. like, bad. i felt that the world owed me for my childhood + lack thereof in many areas. i was angry + dumb + immature. i was also a clepto, like, hardcore. i stole dumb things all the time, my makeup, snacks i wanted, clothes, jewelry, and back when i was into drugs, pills to essentially OD on to get a buzz. i got the the point where i was pretty fetchin' good at it. that is, until i got caught stealing + it scared the bejesus out of me.

unfortunately, i was 19 when i got caught. which means i have a record. the charge somehow was changed along the way, which i don't understand. and the only way i know it was changed + i didn't just remember it wrong is because my father told me the original court order was not as severe as the change.

so, for the past five and a half years, i have had a class b misdemeanor in retail theft on my record. being young + naive i didn't think it would do much of anything to me, + boy was i wrong. i have easily had over 80 job offers rescinded after my background check came back. and after two years of applying (for everything under the sun- call centers, reception, secretary, customer service, sales...)+ getting rejected, the whole process got old, so i stopped trying to get out of serving.

i have been a server for the last 3.5-4 years because they don't do background checks + and it's essentially the only job i can have with my record. now, don't get me wrong, serving comes with it's perks. i decide what my schedule is every week, i can take 6 week vacations without question, on a really good day i average $15 an hour.

but, it's a go no where job. and sometimes i will work a 10 hour shift and walk home with $80. sometimes i will work a lunch shift and leave with $5 to flaunt around. it isn't consistent, which makes planning + budgeting pretty difficult. and with my bills ranging around $1200-1300 a month, well, i frequently fall short. which usually means my fridge has almond milk and maybe some wine, + my freezer might have some pizza rolls hanging out. it's been the slow season, and on top of that, the cheap customer season, which means i am working 60 hours a couple weeks a month to hopefully make $400-600 dollars. if i did that every week, all would be well. but i get burnt out pretty quickly, serving humans that think their queen elizabeth III and king henry the IV gets old fast. i'm a server, not a servant, i am a human + would like to be treated with dignity + respect. but a lot of customers just don't get that, somehow.


i have just started realizing how difficult adulting can be. i remember being a kid + not being able to wait until i was a grown up, when i could live by my own rules + eat whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted...i just didn't realize that i would have to adult in every aspect of my life.



hello wakeup call!

it's been informative + real. i can definitely say i have learnt a boat load + that there is undoubtedly a boat load or five more to learn.

overall, it's good. the pros outweigh the cons for me as far as adulting is concerned. but sometimes, every now + then, it gets super overwhelming + stressful for sure.

this is one of those moments.


also, i applied a month or so ago to expunge + seal my record so this charge will stop haunting me + holding back my life, fingers crossed it gets approved so i can move on to a real person job!!!





xo

i have issues. a whole slew of  issues.

control issues
trust issues
commitment issues
body image issues
eating issues
relationship with anyone issues (which goes hand in hand with trust and commitment)


like i said, a whole slew of issues.

i was talking with a friend just last week about them.

all i could think to say (because it didn't require thinking) is that i am emotionally screwed up, royally. that i was (am) broken, completely.

i don't look at those statements as negative when i say them, just simply the truth. minus little details and complicated facts and emotional attachment.


he, however, shined some happy positive light. bringing to the surface that fact that they aren't issues, but opportunities to grow.

changing that one single word changed my entire outlook. (for the moment. i have to remind myself every second of every day, they are o.p.p.o.r.t.u.n.i.t.i.e.s.for growth)

because even though i said before my definitions weren't negative, they were. without me meaning for them to be. and they effected (affected? one day, i will learn the difference) me as such.

looking at them as opportunities to grow helped me to take back my power. it helped me to be able to take control of the situation. and gave me the strength to make the choices that will help me grow into the person i want to be.


let's be honest here, i am a baby. i am so so young. 22 years old. i have hardly any idea of who i actually am and what i truly believe.

i am on this journey. it's full of ebb and flow, ups and downs, stagnancy and growth. it's similar to a roller coaster ride emotioanlly. and just when i think i've got it, the world changes and my feet slip out from underneath me.

honestly, i wouldn't trade it for the world. because i constantly find myself in positions where i notice the growth. i see my reactions now and realize that a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to handle it in that way.

now, i am. i am able to stand up for myself in most situations. i am able to say when i am uncomfortable. i am able to say no; when it's awkward, when it's scary, when it's too much, when it's uncomfortable, or inconvenient for others. i say no. i say when. and that is a gigantic improvement for me.

i am finally beginning to realize that i need to have self love and self worth. i need to hand confidence and secuirty. and i need to be my best friend. i need to be strong enough on my own to not need anyone else's acceptance or validation.

because in the end, what other people think of me, is none of my business. and i have no reason or right to worry about it. it's their thoughts and emotions, not mine.

all that matters are my thoughts about myself.

and i need to be here for me. i need to love me wholly and unconditionally.

until i learn to do that, i cannot love others completely, not as completely as i want to be able to.

and that is a big deal to me. it is my biggest motivation for growing and progressing.

i love humans. and i love to be there for them. but until i am fully healthy on my own, i cannot offer the amount or quality of support and love i hold myself to.


so issues.

they are my opportunites to grow, to become a better person, to understand myself. and through that understanding, i will be able to offer support, love, and empathy to others facing similar trials. i will be able to love and be there for them in every facet. and that is my hearts true desire.


i am growing. daily.

and i am so grateful to have my close friends that inspire, motivate, and support me in this growth. it's hard and scary and most of the time i want to back down. without them as my support system, this would be nye impossible.




xo



air

life

for so long i lived to please others, to make them proud, to do what they thought was right.

it took me years to realize why i was unhappy, why i always felt so drained and exhausted on every level. and even after i realized it, it took me a good two years more to act on it.

it's a scary thing, really. to stop living your life for others when it's all you know. to start realizing and following your own aspirations and living in a way that makes you happy.

it's harder still when family and friends give judgement rather than support. when in reality, all that should matter is the happiness and well being of the one you love.

i haven't decided on anything destructive or harmful.

i am transitioning to a more natural, herbal, holistic lifestyle. in every facet, from diet to medicine to spirituality.

i believe in directing the earth's energy, i believe in crystals having a healing power and the ability to transform energy; i believe that herbs, herbal extracts, and oils are far more effective and bioavailable than synthetic medication; i believe in mind over matter, i believe in being open,enlightened, loving, and giving.

i finally realized that it is okay to do what i love because i love it, even if it isn't going to get me half a million dollars a year. even if it isn't good enough for others, because at the end of the day, i have to live with myself. because what other's think of me, is really none of my business, it's theirs.

all that matters is it makes me happy. and whole. and healthy. all that matters is that it is good enough for me.

i am going to be a massage therapist, a structural integrationist, and a photographer. and some day, a wife and mother.

i am beyond happy with this lifestyle change, it brings me excitement and joy. i have felt the spirit more while practicing yoga and meditation than i ever have at any other time in my life.

in this belief system, i do not tear myself down. i don't feel negative or upset. i don't feel inadequate or knowledgeable. i don't feel the need to be the epitome of perfeection. i feel no pressure from either the religion or the culture of the religion.

this belief system uplifts me, invigorates me, rejuvenates me, inspires me, and motivates me. it is everything i have been searching for. it is the happy shiny light in my life and keeps me grounded, centered, and happy.

it is a journey, it isn't something that has or will change over night. it's a choice i have to make daily, and some days, i don't have the umph to make that choice. but most days, i make the choice, and i never regret it when i do.



xo


air

eft happened

guys, i did an eft session.

it was weird. odd. uncomfortable. scary. tiring. eye opening. and jaw dropping. and maybe, possibly, life changing. we'll see on that last one in time.

it's emotional freedom technique, and involves tapping on the bodies end points of the body's energy meridians.

it's cognitive therapy and exposure therapy combined with acupressure fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points.

she would ask questions, and i would answer, all while tapping. then, she would rephrase what i had said while adding positive affirmations and i would repeat after her.

and dang gina, we talked about some pretty deep stuff. i didn't think it would be that deep, i went into this session with one issue to start on:

my control freakishness.

because i am one. big time.

it goes all the way back to childhood.

and in the end, i am truly grateful for everything that happened and the ways it all happened. i hold no malice, i know that we are all just doing our best with what we know.

people, mine was by no means awful, really. but for me, it was hard, now. then, it was all i knew.

it was simple, for me, it started out as protection for my little brothers.

i took it upon myself to take on responsibilities that shouldn't have been mine.

(this is one of those moments where i feel that maybe it isn't my place to share all the details. sorry for the vague-ness!)

in the end, i learnt that if i didn't control things, people i loved would get hurt.

and that was proved to be true when my best friend xander died in a car accident in 2009.

there was a moment, before his death occurred, that i knew something was wrong. i just knew. i can't explain how, but i felt it. i sat up in my bed and had the most urgent prompting to call him. i needed to call him.

i didn't. and he died.

i ran (still run) in circles in my head so often thinking if i had just followed that prompting he would have been talking to me, watching the road, instead of looking down and texting. or maybe even pulled over. and he would have been saved. he would be here today, and everything would be so different.

but i didn't pick up that phone. i didn't follow that prompting. i didn't control that situation. and my best friend got hurt, he died. i lost him, completely. from that moment on, my control issues spun out of control.

i cannot explain the amount of anxiety i get when i am unable to control or fully understand something. it has gotten to the point where i cannot function without planning.

i honest to blog believe that if i were to not plan, or if my plans were to fall through, that i would be lost. wholly. completely. that all those around me would be hurt, because of me. and i honestly would run, as fast and far as possible to protect them from myself. i don't even know who i would be without planning and controlling everything in my life.

it's gotten out of hand.

and this eft session was on learning how to let go. how to just go with the flow. it was about finding the root, where all this started. finding the trigger. and finding a way to let it all go. a way to fully understand and let it dissolve.

i found the root. i know and understand it was no ones fault. not even my own. and now, i am working on letting it dissolve into nothingness. letting it have no hold on me any longer.

i have one more session on this in a couple weeks, and i will let you know about the progress made once that happens.


namaste



xo



air

135

i remember the first time my thighs touched when i walked.

i was 19. it was when i lived in hawaii after i had graduated high school.

and i remember being equally disgusted and horrified.

i remember thinking back to every single thing i had eaten in the last months to figure out how i had gotten to this point. up to then, i was barely over 100 pounds and i was 5'6". and somehow, i reached 135.

1.    3.    5.  

and i just about died. inside, i did.

it wasn't a mystery. i had had a break down of sorts. i went on a 'i am going to eat two batches of cookie dough a week and nothing but pizza for dinner' binge for a good two months there. in that time period i went from my size 0/1 to a size 5.

a size 5.

i was flabbergasted.

that was close to or the same as my mothers size.

that statement seems oddly placed, or possibly insignificant. but it isn't.

i grew up in a house where my mother was never thin enough, never beautiful enough. where she had to put on her face before she left the house, always, even to take us to school in the morning. in a house where she would workout for a short time and then get discouraged and stop. in a house where in my eyes, my father didn't think her thin or attractive either, because if she were, why would she be this way. (i realize now that this wasn't exactly the case. but that's how my naive young mind perceived it then, and it affected me greatly)

i learned from every environment i was in that i wasn't thin enough, or pretty enough. that my boobs were too small, my eyes too squinty, my hair too flat. in high school, i wasn't considered that pretty (granted at that point i had really either stopped trying and gone hippie or i went punk-emo wannabe. those are my extremes.)

i am rambling now.

even now, i am terrified.

i look at myself in the mirror after i shower or bathe.

i see every flaw, every pudge. i see my upper thighs curving out on both sides. i see my calves touching when i stand with my feet together and it makes me cringe. i see a little muscle/fat on my waistline and on my lower stomach and i suck in and pull my skin tight. i see my boobs and how almost non existent they are and wish they were at least enough to fill an A cup, hell even a double A would be nice. i see my upper arms, which are almost as wide as my torso, and can't help but feel deflated.

that is me now. i fluctuate between 110-115.

just a month and a half ago, my things and calves didn't touch when i stood with my feet together. and still, i was disappointed. i had nothing but skin and bone on my hips and waistline and the pudge on my lower stomach was not there. my boobs were even smaller, as if that were possible.

and still, i was disgusted by my body. only this time, i was torn. i was too fat and far too thin. all at the same time.

and it made no sense to me. i knew i was too thin. rationally, i was well aware of it.

but anorexia isn't rational. and no amount of rational thought will make it go away, believe me you, i have tried.

i wish to be thinner. i wish for my body to not jiggle in any place when i walk. i wish to have a body fat percentage below 10. i wish to be nothing but muscle and not bigger than a size one, but with happy full B cup boobs. i wish for my eyes to be bigger, my hair blonder and more voluminous. i wish for tinier hands, fingers, and feet.

i wish for perfection. i wish for societies view of perfection, not for raw authentic genuine perfection in my imperfections.

and i wish i didn't feel that way. and i don't know how to change it or fix it.

the only option, that i can think of, is to find the root. and to start from there. to find out exactly when and why i started thinking this way. to understand it fully, and to slowly, piece by piece, let it go.

it's just a matter of finding that beginning. and it has turned out to be harder than it seems. turns out that blocking memories from yourself is difficult to get back since they were obviously blocked for a reason.

oregon

guys, i fell in love in oregon.

with oregon.

their culture is so lively and diverse and hippie-tastic.

their city is full of happy interesting people and lush green trees.

the ocean is close by, so close you can breathe the salty air.

and they have so many gorgeous hikes with waterfalls and green happiness all around.

oh yes, oregon has my heart.

i honestly want to live here one day. < 3 so very much

didn't you just fall in love??

mmm

xo

air

montana

montana happened.

my sweet dad has a close friend, chris, who lives in montana near flathead lake. he also happens to have a cabin on flathead lake.

which i stayed in for a week last summer. guys, this place is a little slice of heaven. it's about 45 minutes away from glacier national park, and there are plenty of crag's around for climbing within an hour drive radius.

it was such a grand getaway. glacier national park is more than worth it, i went three of the days i spent on flathead lake. that park is full of so much wonder and happiness, so much beauty and peace and serenity. i lost myself in it.

heaven, i tell you.




xo



air