adulting

guys, i remember being a kid.

you know, back when food was provided + rent plus utilities didn't exist. back when you didn't have a car payment or insurance payment or a phone bill.

back when i was even more financially irresponsible + i could be because i didn't have any bills to pay and felt no need to save.

money + i, we have a love-hate relationship, mostly hate.

i don't really love money, i don't really even like it. mostly, i see it bring out awful sides of humans i never wanted to know existed. not to mention the amount of stress one feels when they are low on money.

that relationship with money is going to need to change pretty drastically. as well as my view on making it, which is to spend it. i've always been an awful saver, in that i have never had more than maybe $1200 to my name at one time ever in my life (except for three very brief moments, in that it didn't last more than a couple days).

i used to be a super entitled little brat. like, bad. i felt that the world owed me for my childhood + lack thereof in many areas. i was angry + dumb + immature. i was also a clepto, like, hardcore. i stole dumb things all the time, my makeup, snacks i wanted, clothes, jewelry, and back when i was into drugs, pills to essentially OD on to get a buzz. i got the the point where i was pretty fetchin' good at it. that is, until i got caught stealing + it scared the bejesus out of me.

unfortunately, i was 19 when i got caught. which means i have a record. the charge somehow was changed along the way, which i don't understand. and the only way i know it was changed + i didn't just remember it wrong is because my father told me the original court order was not as severe as the change.

so, for the past five and a half years, i have had a class b misdemeanor in retail theft on my record. being young + naive i didn't think it would do much of anything to me, + boy was i wrong. i have easily had over 80 job offers rescinded after my background check came back. and after two years of applying (for everything under the sun- call centers, reception, secretary, customer service, sales...)+ getting rejected, the whole process got old, so i stopped trying to get out of serving.

i have been a server for the last 3.5-4 years because they don't do background checks + and it's essentially the only job i can have with my record. now, don't get me wrong, serving comes with it's perks. i decide what my schedule is every week, i can take 6 week vacations without question, on a really good day i average $15 an hour.

but, it's a go no where job. and sometimes i will work a 10 hour shift and walk home with $80. sometimes i will work a lunch shift and leave with $5 to flaunt around. it isn't consistent, which makes planning + budgeting pretty difficult. and with my bills ranging around $1200-1300 a month, well, i frequently fall short. which usually means my fridge has almond milk and maybe some wine, + my freezer might have some pizza rolls hanging out. it's been the slow season, and on top of that, the cheap customer season, which means i am working 60 hours a couple weeks a month to hopefully make $400-600 dollars. if i did that every week, all would be well. but i get burnt out pretty quickly, serving humans that think their queen elizabeth III and king henry the IV gets old fast. i'm a server, not a servant, i am a human + would like to be treated with dignity + respect. but a lot of customers just don't get that, somehow.


i have just started realizing how difficult adulting can be. i remember being a kid + not being able to wait until i was a grown up, when i could live by my own rules + eat whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted...i just didn't realize that i would have to adult in every aspect of my life.



hello wakeup call!

it's been informative + real. i can definitely say i have learnt a boat load + that there is undoubtedly a boat load or five more to learn.

overall, it's good. the pros outweigh the cons for me as far as adulting is concerned. but sometimes, every now + then, it gets super overwhelming + stressful for sure.

this is one of those moments.


also, i applied a month or so ago to expunge + seal my record so this charge will stop haunting me + holding back my life, fingers crossed it gets approved so i can move on to a real person job!!!





xo

moments

i have moments

moments of intense fear, of anxiety that is almost immobilizing, of self doubt so fierce i question everything i am, insecurities so deep rooted it takes all that i am to fight them off.

i have these moments pretty regularly, though they have decreased significantly.

it used to be daily, more than several times a day. to the point where i would change myself in just about every situation to be accepted and loved and wanted, to be included.

that got me into trouble later in life, it took a solid three emotional breakdowns and one bat-shit-crazy episode (now two years ago) to finally accept me, start living authentically, and stop changing who i am in differing situations.

of course compromise is a daily necessity...but i no longer give up pieces of myself to fit anyones idea of me, that box is not mine to fit in. i am me, and they can accept that or not be a part of my life. (ouch, that sounds harsh...but it's true. i will no longer change for people).

i am strong. i am beautiful. i am quirky. i am nerdy. i am an aspiring hipster. i am a photographer. i am an herbalist. i am a naturalist (read: hippie). i am a recovering disordered eater. i am a dog owner. i am in love with life. i am a learner. i am happy. i am healthy. i am whole. i am me.


and for the first time in my life, i am happy. that is truer than true. i mean true blue happy, all the way to the bone. none one bit of it is superficial.

i am following my dreams. i am doing what i want in life. and yeah, it's scary. super scary. accountability is at an all time high. failure will be all on me, and that risk is almost enough to make one stop short....but success will also be all on me, and that outweighs the risk all day every day.

you see, moments of fear and doubt used to rule my life.

and now, that's changed.

moments of happiness, of sheer deep embodied gratitude, moments of realization, of surety. good moments. moments that remind me i am on the right path for my being.

moments that remind me that this crazy busy and confusing life is mine. and it is grand. so so grand. and i don't want to miss it.


sometimes, i still try to run from being vulnerable and raw and open. (which is why my blogs are so sporadic, bt-dubs) it's a work in progress, and so far, i am pretty dang happy with the process.


life is brutal. and beautiful. and terrifying. and real. and lovely. and everything you have ever wanted and more. it's full of choices, you get to choose how you live, so make the choice.

life is stellar, y'all.




xo




air

i have issues. a whole slew of  issues.

control issues
trust issues
commitment issues
body image issues
eating issues
relationship with anyone issues (which goes hand in hand with trust and commitment)


like i said, a whole slew of issues.

i was talking with a friend just last week about them.

all i could think to say (because it didn't require thinking) is that i am emotionally screwed up, royally. that i was (am) broken, completely.

i don't look at those statements as negative when i say them, just simply the truth. minus little details and complicated facts and emotional attachment.


he, however, shined some happy positive light. bringing to the surface that fact that they aren't issues, but opportunities to grow.

changing that one single word changed my entire outlook. (for the moment. i have to remind myself every second of every day, they are o.p.p.o.r.t.u.n.i.t.i.e.s.for growth)

because even though i said before my definitions weren't negative, they were. without me meaning for them to be. and they effected (affected? one day, i will learn the difference) me as such.

looking at them as opportunities to grow helped me to take back my power. it helped me to be able to take control of the situation. and gave me the strength to make the choices that will help me grow into the person i want to be.


let's be honest here, i am a baby. i am so so young. 22 years old. i have hardly any idea of who i actually am and what i truly believe.

i am on this journey. it's full of ebb and flow, ups and downs, stagnancy and growth. it's similar to a roller coaster ride emotioanlly. and just when i think i've got it, the world changes and my feet slip out from underneath me.

honestly, i wouldn't trade it for the world. because i constantly find myself in positions where i notice the growth. i see my reactions now and realize that a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to handle it in that way.

now, i am. i am able to stand up for myself in most situations. i am able to say when i am uncomfortable. i am able to say no; when it's awkward, when it's scary, when it's too much, when it's uncomfortable, or inconvenient for others. i say no. i say when. and that is a gigantic improvement for me.

i am finally beginning to realize that i need to have self love and self worth. i need to hand confidence and secuirty. and i need to be my best friend. i need to be strong enough on my own to not need anyone else's acceptance or validation.

because in the end, what other people think of me, is none of my business. and i have no reason or right to worry about it. it's their thoughts and emotions, not mine.

all that matters are my thoughts about myself.

and i need to be here for me. i need to love me wholly and unconditionally.

until i learn to do that, i cannot love others completely, not as completely as i want to be able to.

and that is a big deal to me. it is my biggest motivation for growing and progressing.

i love humans. and i love to be there for them. but until i am fully healthy on my own, i cannot offer the amount or quality of support and love i hold myself to.


so issues.

they are my opportunites to grow, to become a better person, to understand myself. and through that understanding, i will be able to offer support, love, and empathy to others facing similar trials. i will be able to love and be there for them in every facet. and that is my hearts true desire.


i am growing. daily.

and i am so grateful to have my close friends that inspire, motivate, and support me in this growth. it's hard and scary and most of the time i want to back down. without them as my support system, this would be nye impossible.




xo



air

life

for so long i lived to please others, to make them proud, to do what they thought was right.

it took me years to realize why i was unhappy, why i always felt so drained and exhausted on every level. and even after i realized it, it took me a good two years more to act on it.

it's a scary thing, really. to stop living your life for others when it's all you know. to start realizing and following your own aspirations and living in a way that makes you happy.

it's harder still when family and friends give judgement rather than support. when in reality, all that should matter is the happiness and well being of the one you love.

i haven't decided on anything destructive or harmful.

i am transitioning to a more natural, herbal, holistic lifestyle. in every facet, from diet to medicine to spirituality.

i believe in directing the earth's energy, i believe in crystals having a healing power and the ability to transform energy; i believe that herbs, herbal extracts, and oils are far more effective and bioavailable than synthetic medication; i believe in mind over matter, i believe in being open,enlightened, loving, and giving.

i finally realized that it is okay to do what i love because i love it, even if it isn't going to get me half a million dollars a year. even if it isn't good enough for others, because at the end of the day, i have to live with myself. because what other's think of me, is really none of my business, it's theirs.

all that matters is it makes me happy. and whole. and healthy. all that matters is that it is good enough for me.

i am going to be a massage therapist, a structural integrationist, and a photographer. and some day, a wife and mother.

i am beyond happy with this lifestyle change, it brings me excitement and joy. i have felt the spirit more while practicing yoga and meditation than i ever have at any other time in my life.

in this belief system, i do not tear myself down. i don't feel negative or upset. i don't feel inadequate or knowledgeable. i don't feel the need to be the epitome of perfeection. i feel no pressure from either the religion or the culture of the religion.

this belief system uplifts me, invigorates me, rejuvenates me, inspires me, and motivates me. it is everything i have been searching for. it is the happy shiny light in my life and keeps me grounded, centered, and happy.

it is a journey, it isn't something that has or will change over night. it's a choice i have to make daily, and some days, i don't have the umph to make that choice. but most days, i make the choice, and i never regret it when i do.



xo


air

there is a difference.

between an eating disorder and disordered eating.

i talked with my mama about it a little while back.

i never thought about the difference, for even a second.

i have just always (and by always, i mean for the last 2-3 years) said "i have an eating disorder"

and when i am not in the midst of a flare up, when i have a pretty alright body image and eat kind of regularly, i just call myself "almost anorexic"

i have always considered my eating habits and mental status one of the two.

either or.


but mama put it in a way that just made sense.

to her, and i agree, disordered eating is an evolution of an eating disorder.

you're no longer suffering, physically or mentally (wholly or partially), from said eating disorder. (although mentally, i feel i will always be split. there will always be my anorexic mind and my sound mind. it just comes down to which one i listen to at any given moment)


disordered eating.

it's no longer a control thing, as it is with an eating disorder.

it's a habit thing. it's a my body doesn't recognize the hunger signs as hunger the majority of the time anymore thing. it's a i get so busy that eating doesn't cross my mind kind of thing.

that difference being brought to light lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders.

i have a way to explain it. a way where i am not going to be examined up and down and then told i am not skin and bone enough for it. a way to explain it in a way that doesn't make me feel like not eating for months on end just to prove that i do indeed suffer.

i no longer have to prove anything to anyone.


i have evolved.

to me, this is progression.

i am constantly scared of relapsing. i am equally scared of gaining weight and being over 120.


i can't stand the numbers.

i used to weigh myself obsessively, multiple times a day, every single day. i obsessed over my weight, and the second i was higher than i thought i should be, i would fast. or cleanse. or do anything to lose the weight.

it combined with my eating disorder was wreaking havoc on my body, soul, and psyche.

the path to recovery is long and never ending.

maybe that sounds sad, but it isn't.


it's a choice.

i have a choice, every second of every day.

a choice to be healthy or not. a choice to eat or not.


a choice.

that's what it comes down to.

sometimes, it doesn't feel that simple. sometimes, i choose wrong.

but most days, i am choosing right.

and that is positive. that is good.

that, is healing.

i am free. free of a toxic mindset and an even more toxic eating habit.

freedom is something i have longed for, but never had the courage to grasp. never had the strength to stand on my own and confront the emotions causing the problem.

but now, i am courageous. and i am strong. and i am free. and i am healing.

and i am gaining understanding and insight into myself that i never knew existed before.



xo



air

it's largely mental.

and habitual.

i am ocd, in some things to a fault.

i struggle mentally more than anything with this disorder now.

it wasn't always that way, at one point, i got down to almost 100 pounds. which at 5'6" is really kind of bad. i was disgusted by food, completely. just the thought of it was enough to send me into a panic and make me sick.

in the beginning, and even now, i would eat socially. i eat around people, so they don't know how bad it really is. for a while, no one but my person knew, so i ate socially to hide it.

it isn't that bad anymore. it took a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on my part to fix the food disgusting me. by that point, my person had gotten so bad with the same disorder mixed with another that she was institutionalized. and that was when i realized just what this could do to you, and that's when i decided it would no longer own me or kill me.

only then, i didn't realize just how diligent and conscientious i would have to be. i didn't realize how big of a battle it would be, with myself.

and now i struggle to know just how much of it i am supposed to do on my own, and how much i can lean on others for help.

it's a fine line.

because for me, for who i am, i need to do it largely on my own. to stick with it, to make sure i don't relapse again, to learn the lesson, i need the experience.

as i was saying, it's largely mental.

more than anything i struggle in my mind. i have pretty serious body image issues.

just a month ago i was able to put my hands around my thighs and have both my thumb and forefinger overlap.

and now, i can't even touch both together, which freaks me out.

i know i am skinny. i know i am not fat.

i am a size 3-5, i weigh 120 lbs. i have roughly 16-18% body fat.

i am skinny. there is next to no fat on my body.

and yet the irrational part of my mind, my disease, tells me otherwise. and i can honestly say that 95% of the time, the irrational part wins out.


it's a constant battle. mostly, it's exhausting.

i never thought of my every day dealings impacting this battle. but they do, at a surprising amount.

mostly, it's my relationships with people and how they effect me emotionally. it's how much i give emotionally and physically to those relationships. it depends on how drained i am, and whether or not i am taking the time to rejuvenate myself in every facet.

it's largely on me, this healing thing.

it requires a vast amount of discipline and self confrontation. it requires me looking inward and not running or hiding from what i find.

and not running is harder than you would imagine.



xo




air

eft happened

guys, i did an eft session.

it was weird. odd. uncomfortable. scary. tiring. eye opening. and jaw dropping. and maybe, possibly, life changing. we'll see on that last one in time.

it's emotional freedom technique, and involves tapping on the bodies end points of the body's energy meridians.

it's cognitive therapy and exposure therapy combined with acupressure fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points.

she would ask questions, and i would answer, all while tapping. then, she would rephrase what i had said while adding positive affirmations and i would repeat after her.

and dang gina, we talked about some pretty deep stuff. i didn't think it would be that deep, i went into this session with one issue to start on:

my control freakishness.

because i am one. big time.

it goes all the way back to childhood.

and in the end, i am truly grateful for everything that happened and the ways it all happened. i hold no malice, i know that we are all just doing our best with what we know.

people, mine was by no means awful, really. but for me, it was hard, now. then, it was all i knew.

it was simple, for me, it started out as protection for my little brothers.

i took it upon myself to take on responsibilities that shouldn't have been mine.

(this is one of those moments where i feel that maybe it isn't my place to share all the details. sorry for the vague-ness!)

in the end, i learnt that if i didn't control things, people i loved would get hurt.

and that was proved to be true when my best friend xander died in a car accident in 2009.

there was a moment, before his death occurred, that i knew something was wrong. i just knew. i can't explain how, but i felt it. i sat up in my bed and had the most urgent prompting to call him. i needed to call him.

i didn't. and he died.

i ran (still run) in circles in my head so often thinking if i had just followed that prompting he would have been talking to me, watching the road, instead of looking down and texting. or maybe even pulled over. and he would have been saved. he would be here today, and everything would be so different.

but i didn't pick up that phone. i didn't follow that prompting. i didn't control that situation. and my best friend got hurt, he died. i lost him, completely. from that moment on, my control issues spun out of control.

i cannot explain the amount of anxiety i get when i am unable to control or fully understand something. it has gotten to the point where i cannot function without planning.

i honest to blog believe that if i were to not plan, or if my plans were to fall through, that i would be lost. wholly. completely. that all those around me would be hurt, because of me. and i honestly would run, as fast and far as possible to protect them from myself. i don't even know who i would be without planning and controlling everything in my life.

it's gotten out of hand.

and this eft session was on learning how to let go. how to just go with the flow. it was about finding the root, where all this started. finding the trigger. and finding a way to let it all go. a way to fully understand and let it dissolve.

i found the root. i know and understand it was no ones fault. not even my own. and now, i am working on letting it dissolve into nothingness. letting it have no hold on me any longer.

i have one more session on this in a couple weeks, and i will let you know about the progress made once that happens.


namaste



xo



air

i have morals.

i have integrity.

i have values.

i have standards.

but i have trouble sticking to them.

i don't like to inconvenience people.

i don't like to hurt people.

i do everything in my power to avoid that from happening. to the point where i will give up my values/standards/morals/integrity to keep the person happy and healthy...in the moment.

i realize that in the end, it helps no one. it does neither party any good.

i have come to notice that it usually hurts the other, if not me as well, even more in the end.

and yet, i still find it so difficult to have the courage and strength to stick up for what i believe in. for what i believe to be right and sound. to do what i feel i must, or say what's on my mind.

which is problematic, because then i am not being true to myself.

and that confuses not only me, but those who know me.

and makes trust even more difficult than it is already on it's own.

eventually i will work through it all, it's just going to take time and practice.

it requires me to have courage and confidence in myself, to have trust in myself. to know that i will not waiver even in the hardest of situations.

which, i have been working on. and i still fail sometimes, but sometimes, i don't. and that is an accomplishment for me.

i have been watching myself, i have been acutely aware of my emotions and feelings.

often in emotional situations i feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious and unsure.

confrontation scares me shitless. my anxiety goes through my roof and my ability to communicate and articulate thoughts and feelings all but disappears. and i shake, i tremble uncontrollably.

i recently read emotions by osho. which is a book on fear, anger, and jealousy and how to free one's self from them. it was so enlightening and liberating. it gave me a little more insight on my own emotions and how i (don't) deal with them.

i am also reading mind body balancing by osho as well. and it has been absolutely phenomenal. it's a book about using your mind to heal your body.

about going the holistic route, about searching your soul and finding the root to the problems rather than using drugs, masking the symptoms and problem and becoming numb.

i have been numb far too often in my life already without drugs, and i refuse to use anything that could possibly get me back to that point again. to me, taking pills is just avoiding the problem. and that isn't always the case, i am over generalizing here. but for me personally, this is my outlook.

in reading this balancing book, i have realized how disconnected i am with my own body and emotions.

and i am finally taking the first steps to confronting both my emotions and myself. with support and a small understanding that will eventually grow.

it's a freaktastic process. it would be so much easier for me to run, to hide within myself and to keep those walls around my heart. and though it will never beat, it will never break.

being open, being vulnerable, being completely exposed to everyone-even myself- is more than terrifying for me. it is exhausting and it honestly hurts. it's a really weird feeling that i am completely uncomfortable with. i get awkward with myself, and that shouldn't even be possible. (ha!)

often, i find myself at a loss. i simply don't know where to go from here.

i know that i need help. but i am a very prideful person in that regard. i never want to admit that i need help, i never want to have to lean on someone. but here, right now, i need that. i need to find someone to talk to-that specialized in eating disorders, that is a guy, and that is enthusiastic. i have finally decided that it needs to be a social worker, now it's just a matter of finding the right one.

i have been stagnant physically. and to be able to grow and gain some control of this issue, i need to be working on the mental/emotional alongside the physical. and up to this point, i have only been focusing on the mental/emotional. which is great, but it's not enough.

i am finally to the point where i am willing to admit and accept help.

and generally, i know, beggars can't be choosers.

but i am picky. and i don't trust many people, and definitely not women.

so it needs to be a guy, preferably a younger one, fresh out of school and ready to go. that would be good. so, if you know one, send him my way!

but seriously, that would be great.


xo


air


also, isn't this song just wonderful?? <

fresh start

let's start again, shall we??

i have changed so much from the girl who started this blog back in 2010.

i have gone back and deleted old posts for reasons that seem silly now.

this is my blog. my journal.

i strive to be open, raw, genuine, and authentic 100% of the time.
it's something i am working towards, but eventually, i will get there.

i struggle with one thing, boundaries. to know when a fact or detail is imperative to the story. you see, i love full disclosure. but sometimes, full disclosure includes other people where it's not my place to tell their story. so, i am working on being able to be fully open on my end, yet vague on other's.

so i am working on it.

you see, when i find blogs that are written in full disclosure, authentic, raw, and genuine; i find comfort. i find someone who truly honestly struggles, and doesn't mind sharing how they came out of it. in that i find knowledge and strength.

and that, is what i want to be able to do for others. i have in no way had an incredibly difficult or bad life. but i do have quite a bit of life experience, and if what i have found can help anyone else, it's well worth it to me.

so, i am starting fresh.

i erased all my old posts, that go back and forth, that share facts that weren't mine to share, the were contradicting and confusing and negative.

i want this blog to be positive, overall. and i want it to be just an insight into the folds of my brain.

i am back.

#taketwo #ormaybe300