Oh Hello...

it's largely mental.

and habitual.

i am ocd, in some things to a fault.

i struggle mentally more than anything with this disorder now.

it wasn't always that way, at one point, i got down to almost 100 pounds. which at 5'6" is really kind of bad. i was disgusted by food, completely. just the thought of it was enough to send me into a panic and make me sick.

in the beginning, and even now, i would eat socially. i eat around people, so they don't know how bad it really is. for a while, no one but my person knew, so i ate socially to hide it.

it isn't that bad anymore. it took a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on my part to fix the food disgusting me. by that point, my person had gotten so bad with the same disorder mixed with another that she was institutionalized. and that was when i realized just what this could do to you, and that's when i decided it would no longer own me or kill me.

only then, i didn't realize just how diligent and conscientious i would have to be. i didn't realize how big of a battle it would be, with myself.

and now i struggle to know just how much of it i am supposed to do on my own, and how much i can lean on others for help.

it's a fine line.

because for me, for who i am, i need to do it largely on my own. to stick with it, to make sure i don't relapse again, to learn the lesson, i need the experience.

as i was saying, it's largely mental.

more than anything i struggle in my mind. i have pretty serious body image issues.

just a month ago i was able to put my hands around my thighs and have both my thumb and forefinger overlap.

and now, i can't even touch both together, which freaks me out.

i know i am skinny. i know i am not fat.

i am a size 3-5, i weigh 120 lbs. i have roughly 16-18% body fat.

i am skinny. there is next to no fat on my body.

and yet the irrational part of my mind, my disease, tells me otherwise. and i can honestly say that 95% of the time, the irrational part wins out.


it's a constant battle. mostly, it's exhausting.

i never thought of my every day dealings impacting this battle. but they do, at a surprising amount.

mostly, it's my relationships with people and how they effect me emotionally. it's how much i give emotionally and physically to those relationships. it depends on how drained i am, and whether or not i am taking the time to rejuvenate myself in every facet.

it's largely on me, this healing thing.

it requires a vast amount of discipline and self confrontation. it requires me looking inward and not running or hiding from what i find.

and not running is harder than you would imagine.



xo




air