eft happened

guys, i did an eft session.

it was weird. odd. uncomfortable. scary. tiring. eye opening. and jaw dropping. and maybe, possibly, life changing. we'll see on that last one in time.

it's emotional freedom technique, and involves tapping on the bodies end points of the body's energy meridians.

it's cognitive therapy and exposure therapy combined with acupressure fingertip tapping on 12 acupuncture points.

she would ask questions, and i would answer, all while tapping. then, she would rephrase what i had said while adding positive affirmations and i would repeat after her.

and dang gina, we talked about some pretty deep stuff. i didn't think it would be that deep, i went into this session with one issue to start on:

my control freakishness.

because i am one. big time.

it goes all the way back to childhood.

and in the end, i am truly grateful for everything that happened and the ways it all happened. i hold no malice, i know that we are all just doing our best with what we know.

people, mine was by no means awful, really. but for me, it was hard, now. then, it was all i knew.

it was simple, for me, it started out as protection for my little brothers.

i took it upon myself to take on responsibilities that shouldn't have been mine.

(this is one of those moments where i feel that maybe it isn't my place to share all the details. sorry for the vague-ness!)

in the end, i learnt that if i didn't control things, people i loved would get hurt.

and that was proved to be true when my best friend xander died in a car accident in 2009.

there was a moment, before his death occurred, that i knew something was wrong. i just knew. i can't explain how, but i felt it. i sat up in my bed and had the most urgent prompting to call him. i needed to call him.

i didn't. and he died.

i ran (still run) in circles in my head so often thinking if i had just followed that prompting he would have been talking to me, watching the road, instead of looking down and texting. or maybe even pulled over. and he would have been saved. he would be here today, and everything would be so different.

but i didn't pick up that phone. i didn't follow that prompting. i didn't control that situation. and my best friend got hurt, he died. i lost him, completely. from that moment on, my control issues spun out of control.

i cannot explain the amount of anxiety i get when i am unable to control or fully understand something. it has gotten to the point where i cannot function without planning.

i honest to blog believe that if i were to not plan, or if my plans were to fall through, that i would be lost. wholly. completely. that all those around me would be hurt, because of me. and i honestly would run, as fast and far as possible to protect them from myself. i don't even know who i would be without planning and controlling everything in my life.

it's gotten out of hand.

and this eft session was on learning how to let go. how to just go with the flow. it was about finding the root, where all this started. finding the trigger. and finding a way to let it all go. a way to fully understand and let it dissolve.

i found the root. i know and understand it was no ones fault. not even my own. and now, i am working on letting it dissolve into nothingness. letting it have no hold on me any longer.

i have one more session on this in a couple weeks, and i will let you know about the progress made once that happens.


namaste



xo



air