Oh Hello...

i have morals.

i have integrity.

i have values.

i have standards.

but i have trouble sticking to them.

i don't like to inconvenience people.

i don't like to hurt people.

i do everything in my power to avoid that from happening. to the point where i will give up my values/standards/morals/integrity to keep the person happy and healthy...in the moment.

i realize that in the end, it helps no one. it does neither party any good.

i have come to notice that it usually hurts the other, if not me as well, even more in the end.

and yet, i still find it so difficult to have the courage and strength to stick up for what i believe in. for what i believe to be right and sound. to do what i feel i must, or say what's on my mind.

which is problematic, because then i am not being true to myself.

and that confuses not only me, but those who know me.

and makes trust even more difficult than it is already on it's own.

eventually i will work through it all, it's just going to take time and practice.

it requires me to have courage and confidence in myself, to have trust in myself. to know that i will not waiver even in the hardest of situations.

which, i have been working on. and i still fail sometimes, but sometimes, i don't. and that is an accomplishment for me.

i have been watching myself, i have been acutely aware of my emotions and feelings.

often in emotional situations i feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious and unsure.

confrontation scares me shitless. my anxiety goes through my roof and my ability to communicate and articulate thoughts and feelings all but disappears. and i shake, i tremble uncontrollably.

i recently read emotions by osho. which is a book on fear, anger, and jealousy and how to free one's self from them. it was so enlightening and liberating. it gave me a little more insight on my own emotions and how i (don't) deal with them.

i am also reading mind body balancing by osho as well. and it has been absolutely phenomenal. it's a book about using your mind to heal your body.

about going the holistic route, about searching your soul and finding the root to the problems rather than using drugs, masking the symptoms and problem and becoming numb.

i have been numb far too often in my life already without drugs, and i refuse to use anything that could possibly get me back to that point again. to me, taking pills is just avoiding the problem. and that isn't always the case, i am over generalizing here. but for me personally, this is my outlook.

in reading this balancing book, i have realized how disconnected i am with my own body and emotions.

and i am finally taking the first steps to confronting both my emotions and myself. with support and a small understanding that will eventually grow.

it's a freaktastic process. it would be so much easier for me to run, to hide within myself and to keep those walls around my heart. and though it will never beat, it will never break.

being open, being vulnerable, being completely exposed to everyone-even myself- is more than terrifying for me. it is exhausting and it honestly hurts. it's a really weird feeling that i am completely uncomfortable with. i get awkward with myself, and that shouldn't even be possible. (ha!)

often, i find myself at a loss. i simply don't know where to go from here.

i know that i need help. but i am a very prideful person in that regard. i never want to admit that i need help, i never want to have to lean on someone. but here, right now, i need that. i need to find someone to talk to-that specialized in eating disorders, that is a guy, and that is enthusiastic. i have finally decided that it needs to be a social worker, now it's just a matter of finding the right one.

i have been stagnant physically. and to be able to grow and gain some control of this issue, i need to be working on the mental/emotional alongside the physical. and up to this point, i have only been focusing on the mental/emotional. which is great, but it's not enough.

i am finally to the point where i am willing to admit and accept help.

and generally, i know, beggars can't be choosers.

but i am picky. and i don't trust many people, and definitely not women.

so it needs to be a guy, preferably a younger one, fresh out of school and ready to go. that would be good. so, if you know one, send him my way!

but seriously, that would be great.


xo


air


also, isn't this song just wonderful?? <