i have issues. a whole slew of  issues.

control issues
trust issues
commitment issues
body image issues
eating issues
relationship with anyone issues (which goes hand in hand with trust and commitment)


like i said, a whole slew of issues.

i was talking with a friend just last week about them.

all i could think to say (because it didn't require thinking) is that i am emotionally screwed up, royally. that i was (am) broken, completely.

i don't look at those statements as negative when i say them, just simply the truth. minus little details and complicated facts and emotional attachment.


he, however, shined some happy positive light. bringing to the surface that fact that they aren't issues, but opportunities to grow.

changing that one single word changed my entire outlook. (for the moment. i have to remind myself every second of every day, they are o.p.p.o.r.t.u.n.i.t.i.e.s.for growth)

because even though i said before my definitions weren't negative, they were. without me meaning for them to be. and they effected (affected? one day, i will learn the difference) me as such.

looking at them as opportunities to grow helped me to take back my power. it helped me to be able to take control of the situation. and gave me the strength to make the choices that will help me grow into the person i want to be.


let's be honest here, i am a baby. i am so so young. 22 years old. i have hardly any idea of who i actually am and what i truly believe.

i am on this journey. it's full of ebb and flow, ups and downs, stagnancy and growth. it's similar to a roller coaster ride emotioanlly. and just when i think i've got it, the world changes and my feet slip out from underneath me.

honestly, i wouldn't trade it for the world. because i constantly find myself in positions where i notice the growth. i see my reactions now and realize that a year ago, i wouldn't have been able to handle it in that way.

now, i am. i am able to stand up for myself in most situations. i am able to say when i am uncomfortable. i am able to say no; when it's awkward, when it's scary, when it's too much, when it's uncomfortable, or inconvenient for others. i say no. i say when. and that is a gigantic improvement for me.

i am finally beginning to realize that i need to have self love and self worth. i need to hand confidence and secuirty. and i need to be my best friend. i need to be strong enough on my own to not need anyone else's acceptance or validation.

because in the end, what other people think of me, is none of my business. and i have no reason or right to worry about it. it's their thoughts and emotions, not mine.

all that matters are my thoughts about myself.

and i need to be here for me. i need to love me wholly and unconditionally.

until i learn to do that, i cannot love others completely, not as completely as i want to be able to.

and that is a big deal to me. it is my biggest motivation for growing and progressing.

i love humans. and i love to be there for them. but until i am fully healthy on my own, i cannot offer the amount or quality of support and love i hold myself to.


so issues.

they are my opportunites to grow, to become a better person, to understand myself. and through that understanding, i will be able to offer support, love, and empathy to others facing similar trials. i will be able to love and be there for them in every facet. and that is my hearts true desire.


i am growing. daily.

and i am so grateful to have my close friends that inspire, motivate, and support me in this growth. it's hard and scary and most of the time i want to back down. without them as my support system, this would be nye impossible.




xo



air

life

for so long i lived to please others, to make them proud, to do what they thought was right.

it took me years to realize why i was unhappy, why i always felt so drained and exhausted on every level. and even after i realized it, it took me a good two years more to act on it.

it's a scary thing, really. to stop living your life for others when it's all you know. to start realizing and following your own aspirations and living in a way that makes you happy.

it's harder still when family and friends give judgement rather than support. when in reality, all that should matter is the happiness and well being of the one you love.

i haven't decided on anything destructive or harmful.

i am transitioning to a more natural, herbal, holistic lifestyle. in every facet, from diet to medicine to spirituality.

i believe in directing the earth's energy, i believe in crystals having a healing power and the ability to transform energy; i believe that herbs, herbal extracts, and oils are far more effective and bioavailable than synthetic medication; i believe in mind over matter, i believe in being open,enlightened, loving, and giving.

i finally realized that it is okay to do what i love because i love it, even if it isn't going to get me half a million dollars a year. even if it isn't good enough for others, because at the end of the day, i have to live with myself. because what other's think of me, is really none of my business, it's theirs.

all that matters is it makes me happy. and whole. and healthy. all that matters is that it is good enough for me.

i am going to be a massage therapist, a structural integrationist, and a photographer. and some day, a wife and mother.

i am beyond happy with this lifestyle change, it brings me excitement and joy. i have felt the spirit more while practicing yoga and meditation than i ever have at any other time in my life.

in this belief system, i do not tear myself down. i don't feel negative or upset. i don't feel inadequate or knowledgeable. i don't feel the need to be the epitome of perfeection. i feel no pressure from either the religion or the culture of the religion.

this belief system uplifts me, invigorates me, rejuvenates me, inspires me, and motivates me. it is everything i have been searching for. it is the happy shiny light in my life and keeps me grounded, centered, and happy.

it is a journey, it isn't something that has or will change over night. it's a choice i have to make daily, and some days, i don't have the umph to make that choice. but most days, i make the choice, and i never regret it when i do.



xo


air