there is a difference.

between an eating disorder and disordered eating.

i talked with my mama about it a little while back.

i never thought about the difference, for even a second.

i have just always (and by always, i mean for the last 2-3 years) said "i have an eating disorder"

and when i am not in the midst of a flare up, when i have a pretty alright body image and eat kind of regularly, i just call myself "almost anorexic"

i have always considered my eating habits and mental status one of the two.

either or.


but mama put it in a way that just made sense.

to her, and i agree, disordered eating is an evolution of an eating disorder.

you're no longer suffering, physically or mentally (wholly or partially), from said eating disorder. (although mentally, i feel i will always be split. there will always be my anorexic mind and my sound mind. it just comes down to which one i listen to at any given moment)


disordered eating.

it's no longer a control thing, as it is with an eating disorder.

it's a habit thing. it's a my body doesn't recognize the hunger signs as hunger the majority of the time anymore thing. it's a i get so busy that eating doesn't cross my mind kind of thing.

that difference being brought to light lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders.

i have a way to explain it. a way where i am not going to be examined up and down and then told i am not skin and bone enough for it. a way to explain it in a way that doesn't make me feel like not eating for months on end just to prove that i do indeed suffer.

i no longer have to prove anything to anyone.


i have evolved.

to me, this is progression.

i am constantly scared of relapsing. i am equally scared of gaining weight and being over 120.


i can't stand the numbers.

i used to weigh myself obsessively, multiple times a day, every single day. i obsessed over my weight, and the second i was higher than i thought i should be, i would fast. or cleanse. or do anything to lose the weight.

it combined with my eating disorder was wreaking havoc on my body, soul, and psyche.

the path to recovery is long and never ending.

maybe that sounds sad, but it isn't.


it's a choice.

i have a choice, every second of every day.

a choice to be healthy or not. a choice to eat or not.


a choice.

that's what it comes down to.

sometimes, it doesn't feel that simple. sometimes, i choose wrong.

but most days, i am choosing right.

and that is positive. that is good.

that, is healing.

i am free. free of a toxic mindset and an even more toxic eating habit.

freedom is something i have longed for, but never had the courage to grasp. never had the strength to stand on my own and confront the emotions causing the problem.

but now, i am courageous. and i am strong. and i am free. and i am healing.

and i am gaining understanding and insight into myself that i never knew existed before.



xo



air

it's largely mental.

and habitual.

i am ocd, in some things to a fault.

i struggle mentally more than anything with this disorder now.

it wasn't always that way, at one point, i got down to almost 100 pounds. which at 5'6" is really kind of bad. i was disgusted by food, completely. just the thought of it was enough to send me into a panic and make me sick.

in the beginning, and even now, i would eat socially. i eat around people, so they don't know how bad it really is. for a while, no one but my person knew, so i ate socially to hide it.

it isn't that bad anymore. it took a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) on my part to fix the food disgusting me. by that point, my person had gotten so bad with the same disorder mixed with another that she was institutionalized. and that was when i realized just what this could do to you, and that's when i decided it would no longer own me or kill me.

only then, i didn't realize just how diligent and conscientious i would have to be. i didn't realize how big of a battle it would be, with myself.

and now i struggle to know just how much of it i am supposed to do on my own, and how much i can lean on others for help.

it's a fine line.

because for me, for who i am, i need to do it largely on my own. to stick with it, to make sure i don't relapse again, to learn the lesson, i need the experience.

as i was saying, it's largely mental.

more than anything i struggle in my mind. i have pretty serious body image issues.

just a month ago i was able to put my hands around my thighs and have both my thumb and forefinger overlap.

and now, i can't even touch both together, which freaks me out.

i know i am skinny. i know i am not fat.

i am a size 3-5, i weigh 120 lbs. i have roughly 16-18% body fat.

i am skinny. there is next to no fat on my body.

and yet the irrational part of my mind, my disease, tells me otherwise. and i can honestly say that 95% of the time, the irrational part wins out.


it's a constant battle. mostly, it's exhausting.

i never thought of my every day dealings impacting this battle. but they do, at a surprising amount.

mostly, it's my relationships with people and how they effect me emotionally. it's how much i give emotionally and physically to those relationships. it depends on how drained i am, and whether or not i am taking the time to rejuvenate myself in every facet.

it's largely on me, this healing thing.

it requires a vast amount of discipline and self confrontation. it requires me looking inward and not running or hiding from what i find.

and not running is harder than you would imagine.



xo




air