Oh Hello...

there is a difference.

between an eating disorder and disordered eating.

i talked with my mama about it a little while back.

i never thought about the difference, for even a second.

i have just always (and by always, i mean for the last 2-3 years) said "i have an eating disorder"

and when i am not in the midst of a flare up, when i have a pretty alright body image and eat kind of regularly, i just call myself "almost anorexic"

i have always considered my eating habits and mental status one of the two.

either or.


but mama put it in a way that just made sense.

to her, and i agree, disordered eating is an evolution of an eating disorder.

you're no longer suffering, physically or mentally (wholly or partially), from said eating disorder. (although mentally, i feel i will always be split. there will always be my anorexic mind and my sound mind. it just comes down to which one i listen to at any given moment)


disordered eating.

it's no longer a control thing, as it is with an eating disorder.

it's a habit thing. it's a my body doesn't recognize the hunger signs as hunger the majority of the time anymore thing. it's a i get so busy that eating doesn't cross my mind kind of thing.

that difference being brought to light lifted a heavy weight off my shoulders.

i have a way to explain it. a way where i am not going to be examined up and down and then told i am not skin and bone enough for it. a way to explain it in a way that doesn't make me feel like not eating for months on end just to prove that i do indeed suffer.

i no longer have to prove anything to anyone.


i have evolved.

to me, this is progression.

i am constantly scared of relapsing. i am equally scared of gaining weight and being over 120.


i can't stand the numbers.

i used to weigh myself obsessively, multiple times a day, every single day. i obsessed over my weight, and the second i was higher than i thought i should be, i would fast. or cleanse. or do anything to lose the weight.

it combined with my eating disorder was wreaking havoc on my body, soul, and psyche.

the path to recovery is long and never ending.

maybe that sounds sad, but it isn't.


it's a choice.

i have a choice, every second of every day.

a choice to be healthy or not. a choice to eat or not.


a choice.

that's what it comes down to.

sometimes, it doesn't feel that simple. sometimes, i choose wrong.

but most days, i am choosing right.

and that is positive. that is good.

that, is healing.

i am free. free of a toxic mindset and an even more toxic eating habit.

freedom is something i have longed for, but never had the courage to grasp. never had the strength to stand on my own and confront the emotions causing the problem.

but now, i am courageous. and i am strong. and i am free. and i am healing.

and i am gaining understanding and insight into myself that i never knew existed before.



xo



air