anorexia

it's an ego thing.

i never thought of myself as an egotistical person, generally i am humble to a fault.

maybe humble isn't the right word, because being humble requires knowledge of one's beauty in the first place. whereas mine is more a low self confidence and honest belief that most days, i am not pretty.

it's about control more than anything. i am a control freak. a huuuuuge control freak. i hate when things don't go according to plan, to the point where i will make a plan to get back to the original plan if divergence occurs. (i know. i know.)

it was really bad when i was younger. it started around 15.

i lived in hawaii for about a year after i graduated from high school in 2010. moving there changed a lot about me in that short time. my eating disorder, for the most part, was nonexistent. i didn't worry about the way i looked. and the culture is so lax and go with the flow that my control issues just melted away.

but, old habits die hard.

admittedly, it isn't as bad now as it used to be. for a while my anorexia was really bad. to the point where food was truly disgusting to me, just the thought of it was enough to send me into dry heaving.

i could say that my control freakism is because of my ocd. but if that were the case, i don't believe that i would feel such a sense of immense accomplishment when i was able to control things. so, i believe it's an ego thing. it's a "i will control this. you are not hungry." and then, i am not. and when you ignore it enough, you condition your body to simply not recognize the signs of hunger as hunger. it feeds my ego.

i am trying to explain all this to you. when in the honest truth, i don't even fully understand it myself.

i get moments, glimpses of understanding. but there is always something deeper.

but as i learn more, as my understanding deepens, i will keep you updated. rather extensively, in full disclosure. if you have questions you are more than welcome to comment or email me! < 3

and i am finally getting to the point where i am ready to explore it emotionally.

it has taken years to get to this point. and two full fledge breakdowns in every facet-mentally, emotionally, physically. all of it.

my life consistently flows between anorexic and almost anorexic.

i know now that it is because i have never truly dealt with it.

next week, the 6th of march, i have a rolfing appointment and an eft (emotional freedom technique) appointment set. and i couldn't be more excited and equally terrified.

i am forcing myself to face the emotions head on so i can once and for all fix this.

it's going to be hard and scary. but i have air (ariel, my best friend) to support me and many others in my life that support the holistic way of life and healing.

this is my journey, and it's finally starting.

welcome.




xo




air